This is liable to be a bit disorganized and it really comes in two parts, one a rant, the other just some curious musings. Read on with caution.

I don’t know how many of you are “in” to so-called reality programming. I’ve managed to avoid the majority of it for some time now, but within the last few months I’ve found myself dragged into it, mostly against my better judgment, if not fully against my will. From Survivor and Biggest Loser to Next Nashville Star and Celebrity Circus…and onwards…sigh… I’ve suddenly become engulfed in a sea of soap opera lite programming which, mostly, appeals to one of the more base common denominators of the human condition; namely the angst…ah, the angst. It doesn’t seem to matter what is causing it …the angst itself is the thing.

It is about one of these “reality” shows that part of this little discussion is about: America’s Got Talent. If we look at the “Talent” pool of offerings, what do we see? Other than “a bunch of pathetic losers” the field is pretty limited. The best I’ve seen so far are a couple of guys who played mean violins and a smattering of singing acts that had voices worth listening to. Other than that it has really been a pile of junk, worthless nothings that couldn’t perform their way out of the proverbial wet paper bag.

To my shame, I have to agree with Piers Morgan; I judge based on whether I feel I would be willing to pay good money to see these people perform. And, who’s going to pay to see cheerleaders, break dancers, and a small cornucopia of one-hit-wonders with limited versatility embarrass themselves in public?  The woman with the “Grind” act (those who haven’t seen it won’t understand) and the autistic kid are unusual, to be sure, but not something I’d pay to see…and I’m sure each act would become tiresome well before one reached the end of the projected hour long Vegas show the winner of the competition may well be awarded. It’s almost embarrassing…no, correct that… it is very embarrassing to watch some of these pathetic specimens pawning themselves off as having talent. I spent some time in high school theatre. I’ve done some community theatre acting and I did almost 5 years as a radio DJ, so “performing” in public isn’t new to me. I would never, in million years, dare to present myself to an audience, as many of these people have, with such an obviously fraudulent claim to “talent”.

These people can't have any friends…not real ones anyway, because real friends would either have refused to encourage them, or would have actively tried to dissuade them. Somewhere there’s a coterie of sick bastards getting a chuckle at a “friend’s” expense. The rest of us are left hanging in the wind and suffering. Do any of you know some talentless buffoon who has considered trying out for a show like this and done the world a disservice by egging them on? If so, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Ok, enough of that…

The real purpose of this blog was to point out something I thought about while watching the latest “Talent” episode. What’s the most common type of long-term successful act in Las Vegas? Go back to the post-WWII Las Vegas. You have Sinatra and the Rat Pack and a plethora of other acts that sang, danced, and/or joked their way across the stages. They were, in effect, variety acts. Big Hollywood names blazed across casino marquees and all too often show tickets were hard to come by. Then came Elvis... Well, his was still a singer/dancer/variety act, when one comes down to it. Today, Danny Gans is the same. Some may argue that Cirque du Soliel and Blue Man Group are notably different but those are exceptions rather than the rule. They fall into the category of “Production Shows” like Mama Mia, and Tony & Tina’s Wedding.

Look at La Cage, Legends in Concert, and American Superstars. Whether you classify them as “Tributes” or in some other way, each of these is a variety act made up of vignette performances packaged together in a common theme; in this instance celebrity impersonation. But they are all, at base, variety acts. There’s Penn and Teller (magic and comedy) and Carrot Top... More limited audience appeal programs like Thunder Down Under and Crazy Girls (adult show category) don’t get the same reaction from the public. They don’t “headline” in the same way. Below that we’ve got cheap magic or hypnosis acts, has-beens that won’t let go (Platters, Coasters, et al) and the strip bars…

So, what can the people competing in “Talent” offer but more of the same? Sure there’s the occasional individual who might get offered a position in one of the existing shows. Take the guy who did the Brittney Spears imitation. He lip syncs, so he could get a spot with La Cage (provided there’s a spot available), but his is hardly an act to go solo for a 60-90 minute show. How about the various martial arts demonstrations? Would you sit through that kind of thing for an hour? I wouldn’t.

Group dance acts date back at least as far as Follies Berger so there’s nothing new there, and no real draw any more either. Follies Berger stays around because it’s such a classic no one wants to be responsible for pulling the plug. Jubilee should have had the plug pulled long ago. The fare from “Talent” are poor substitutes and none of them have the polish needed to headline in Vegas even for one night let alone for however long the winning act will play. From there it’s a mishmash of caliginous junk that wouldn’t have made it through the original Gong Show.

What I’m curious about is, what do you think a good new show in Vegas would entail? Other than variety and/or comedy, what could people competing on a second rate talent show offer that might get your attention in Las Vegas? If you were on your next trip and saw this act headlined, what would it have to be to get your attention and get you to go? Fire eating Tahitian dancers? The Black Watch Scottish bagpipe corpse? Lord of the Dance Redux? I mean, really, if this act were not a big name, established act already, if this act weren’t Cher or Elton John (again), if it weren’t Barry Manilow or Bette Midler, Carrot Top or Penn and Teller, Lance Burton or some other top-notch mega-star, what kind of act would it have to be to entice you in? I personally have no idea (which is why I’m asking). I just know that what these dweebs from “Talent” are offering aren’t it.

Just curious…

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